Shake It Out

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off..."

If you know me, then you know...this girl loves to dance. I always say "never miss your chance to dance!" but I've noticed lately that I haven't been dancing. it was too much work. I was too weighed down and too busy. I have been busy balancing the weight of the world on my shoulders. JD Salinger once said  " She wasn't doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.” I'm pretty sure he was looking at me when he said that. or at least that's how I felt. Along with the universe came not only my "baggage" but everyone else's too. 

I was weighed down by my circumstances and by others. It was just last night the revolution came along with new mercies this morning.  I losta  relationship and friendships. Abandonment, rejection,  neglection, and just plain used were all I could feel. Financial torment. Brokeness, hopelessness, and fear were setting in like a thick fog... I couldn't see through it. Then it happened. I literally had to be completely broken down to realize how desperate I am for my King. I have always been thirsty but havent this desperate since the day I invited Christ into my life as my Saviour. I mean... I was DESPERATE. 

I cried out to the Lord, "I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to pray. I am so broken, just fix me. Just show me and hold me." I believe scripture and in scripture it says "God is near the broken hearted" (psalm 34:18) my heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered. Not by one incident but by several. I love big so when I hurt, I hurt big too. I could feel His presence all around me in that moment. I knew that He heard the cry of His desperate child. He came. He allowed me to repent of sin that caused me to feel unclean, anger, bitterness, evil thoughts, vengeance, hopelessness, unbelief... He took it with Him... He really took it 2000 years ago when His Son died on the cross. It was only last night I was able to see that. 

I had a dream last night. In my dream I was laying in my bed crying and praying to God. Then I look over and see a bright light, it was beautiful yet almost blinding. I sit up in my bed and can see a notebook with words on it being held in the light and heard "Here, take this" I got out of bed and reached for it and then everything went dark and I woke up standing in my closet. When I realized it was a dream I dropped to my knees, in my closet, and started praising God. I don't know what it meant but I just felt like God was here and I felt such comfort. Just Wednesday a stranger at church came to me and he didn't have a clue who I was or why he was told to come talk to me but through his obedience as a Christian he came up to me and said "Young lady God wants me to tell you that you are His treasure and He hears you. He sees your worship and is glad but wants me to make it very clear that He hears you." He went on for about 5 minutes stressing that to me and I was very grateful for that and I had been praying about some stuff dealing with forgiveness and repenting of sins but I already knew that He heard me so I took what he said to heart but didn't really meditate on it. I  just remembered my worship that night was filled with a lot of prayer in between singing and tears streaming down my cheeks.

Today that man's words were proven to me by my dream last night. Last night seeing God work the way He did in my dream, simply by showing up confirmed to me that He is listening. Recently I've felt this manifestation of a gift being brought to life, the life of an intercessor. I feel like God is launching me ino something new and knows that it has brought a lot of confusion and some uncertainty but through this storm I'm in right now I feel like I'm being taught things about myself and about my faith so that I may live fully in this new gift He is giving me. I'm being taught to move from bitterness to forgiveness, for myself and for others. I'm being taught the true meaning of forgiveness, especially for myself. I struggle to forgive secular Janet that I see too often because I know thats not who I am. I struggle with past impurities from eating disorders to promiscuity and find myself not forgiving myself for mistakes made. I'll forgive myself for a season, but allow the devil to throw it all back in my face at the first sight of lightening. I'm noticing he brings all that junk back when I'm lost at sea in a storm.... But no more. The waves are rough the rain is real... But the feeling of walking on water with Jesus by my side and the devil below me is where I'm at right now. My LifePreserver is my Lord and my Lord is my strength. I know that this storm will not last forever. I must walk through it though, but I know I'm not alone. 

I'm not really sure why I felt so compelled to write this. I deleted my facebook last month because too many people were in my business and here I am putting my business out there...  Maybe in a month or two I'll look back on this and remember the exact feeling I'm feeling right now and see that I made I through despite all the adversity coming my way. Or maybe... Maybe someone reading his just needs to see faith on display. Maybe that someone needs encouraging... And if that's the case, feel free to contact me. 

I'll end this blog with lyrics and a picture. They are coexisting with one another as I travel through this valley, as I wade the stormy waters. The ring on my left ring finger (picture below) says "forgiven" it has Ephesians 1:7 inscribed on the inside. I chose it as a reminder that my past impurities have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus. It is a symbol of the beautiful grace I am covered in. I am clean. I am forgiven. And the lyrics, well... It's pretty self explanatory. 

Redeemed (by Big Daddy Weave)

Seems like all I can see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son

stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free

So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains

Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be

I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy

Named by the voice of my shame and regret

But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”

I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me

Cause his day is long dead and gone

I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same

And a hope that will carry me home

You are more...

Ever feel like your sins and mistakes disqualify you to be used by God? Like you're unusable? Ever look at yourself and see all of your flaws and deep insecurities and if you're anything like me,  your too often short temper and say to yourself, "God can't use this!"? All you see when you look at your reflection is a lack of discipline, a lack of Biblical knowledge? Yeah, me too.  I saw lack upon lack, failure upon failure.

I'm about to help you, like others have helped me... 

Go read John 3:17. (It comes right after John 3:16, one of the earliest verses we ever learn about how God loved the world so much He sent His only Son Jesus to die for us so that, believing in Him, we could have eternal life.)  Well John 3:17 goes on to tell us more... Here I'll make it easy so you don't even have to go look it up...

“For God did not send His Son Jesus into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.”- John 3:17 

Don't get it yet? How about we define the word condemn via  Webster’s Dictionary...

Condemn:

 1. to pass an adverse judgement on; disapprove of strongly, censure; 

2. a) to declare to be guilty of wrongdoing; convict b) to pass judicial sentence on; inflict a penalty upon c) to doom; 

3. to declare (property) legally appropriated for public use; 

4. to declare unfit for use or service.

Upon reading these definitions, the last definition pierced my heart. "To declare unfit for use or service."  I started thinking of buildings that had been condemned.  Ones labeled dangerous. Buildings no one wanted to go near. Ones that are no longer usable. That was exactly how I felt. Unsafe. Unlovely. Unusable. Convinced that Jesus wanted to wrap caution tape around my life to keep people back. “Stay away from this one. I love her, but she’s still too messed up to be of any use to me. Better stand clear of her.”

The words of John 3:17 coupled with the last definition released a flood of truth and healing over my heart. God was whispering tenderly to me. He did not see me as I saw myself. He did not see a condemned building… someone dangerous. Someone unlovely. Someone unusable. He saw someone He loved so much that He would send His only Son to die a shameful and excruciating death for her. He sent His Son to save me. To forgive me. To heal me. To set me free, fill me up, and USE me.

Not only does He find me usable, He wants to use me. I am not the same woman I was 2 years ago and you're not the same person you were 2 months ago...

Stop hiding behind your human failures.  Don’t tell God that by your actions He cannot use you! He is God and He has work for you to do.  He will prepare & cleanse you.

You have been forgiven of all of your sins. (1 John 1:9) 

You are a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

You are complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:10)

You have purpose in Him. (Ephesians 2:10)

Isaiah was not good enough at first.  Then an angel touched Isaiah’s mouth with an ember from the fire.  He was made clean.  Just like Isaiah, you have been made clean... Here's more proof,  Hebrews 10:10 And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

How bout Paul? Paul reminds us that he started off by persecuting Christians. He rounded up men, women and children and brought them to the Jewish authorities in Jerusalem. He watched and approved as an innocent Stephen was stoned to death by a mob. But, despite all this, Jesus transformed Paul into an Apostle.  “I am who I am,” St. Paul says, “through the Grace of God.” (1 Cort 15:10)  And you can say the same…

And Peter... He's probably my favorite example...  In the Gospel, Peter wants Jesus to leave him because he is so aware of his own sinfulness.  Jesus says, “No way.  I have work for you; you will be catching men.” (Matthew 4:19)   In other words, “You catch them – I’ll clean them”.  

I asked the question, "Can God allow others to hear loved ones' prayers?" I feel silly now for asking... He's God, He can do anything... All things. I hope this helped answer your prayers. 

Sometimes it's ok to fall apart...

She looks over at me and says, "Sometimes it's ok to fall apart."

 It had been almost a month since the ground started shaking. She felt something burning in her soul, convictions flying left and right. Wisdom and clarity acquired as requested in prayer. God finally gave it to her, and boy did it hurt. She said no. Hoping it was the voice of the devil she was hearing and not that of God, she ignored it. Went to bed, dreamt a little dream... Woke up the next day, put her pants on one leg at a time. Nothing was different about this day. Then the next day came and yet again, nothing new.

It was almost 2 weeks later she realized she was merely going through the motions. She got on her knees and prayed to God, for she then knew it was in fact His voice she had been hearing and she knew what she must do. She cried. She wept. A river of salt flowed from her eyes to her woumnded, aching heart, flowing through the cracks of a broken heart burning and stinging because she didn't understand how a God who had been so good to her could possibly hurt her so bad by making her walk away from someone she loved, someone who had become the glue that held the pieces of her heart together. That salt water dissolved all the glue...

 The epiphany came almost a month later, after she had already fallen apart. Crushed and defeated, angry and mistreated... The glue that had previously held her heart's pieces together was soluble. The glue that held her together was of this world and could be altered at any given moment.  Instead of giving God her broken heart to mend, she gave it to a man. It was a temporary fix. Held it in place for a while but she began to understand that God is the only bond that can hold a heart together. So she did what she had to do, she broke her own heart and his... And now, she's letting God put it back together.