Gravity

I’m laying in my bed thinking about how I don’t write anymore… I miss it. I certainly have a lot to say yet find myself bottling up thoughts and releasing them to sweet sleep and time. So, tonight… I think I’m just going to write about what I’m thinking… and tonight i’m thinking about my favorite song because I’ve been listening to it all night and suddenly the way I’ve listened to it has changed.

Gravity.

by Sara Bareilles. 

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 

'till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love 

And not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. 

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while 

And all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see 

That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down,

You're keeping me down

Something always brings me back to you, 

It never takes too long.

So Sara wrote this song about one of her first heartbreaks. It’s a beautiful song, you should youtube it. Gravity is defined  as the force that attracts a body toward the center or the earth, or toward any physical body having mass. Something Newton made a big deal over back in the 1600s. 400 years later I’m rediscovering Gravity.

I used to identify this song with an eating disorder and not love. Or maybe it was love, love of an eating disorder.. my addiction… but then again can’t love be an addiction? I don’t think addictions always have to refer to substance abuse or something tangible like alcohol, sex, or money or a discarnate eating disorder… For many it does, but for others I think love can be an addiction. Maybe it’s the emotion love brings. A need to be accepted, adored or desired. This song tonight didn’t make me think of bulimia or anorexia but instead of a person who knows exactly what they are getting into, knows they are going to lose everything in the end and yet, does it again and again. I really believe you can be addicted to the way another person makes you feel, even if it keeps ending badly or especially if it it keeps ending badly. It made me think of someone who acknowledges their dependency yet isn't wiling to let the security of it (or him or her) go.

I go back and analyze the song more and realize that person, the “gravity” doesn't see how they're making you fall deeper for them by merely being themselves or whatever your “gravity may be” … then I noticed the line ‘you loved me because i’m fragile….. but you touch me for a little while..” loved is past tense and touch is present… how tragic it is to be pulled into such turmoil because of a force (gravity) that we seem to have no defense against… gravity… .

My Kind of Love

Cause when you given up

When no matter what you do, it's never good enough

When you never thought that it could ever get this tough

That's when you feel my kind of love

It’s like I had a history of killing myself and he had a habit of dying. To be told that after one of the most amazing, emotionally captivating, and fulfilling nights of your life, in the season of heartache, he felt “empty” was comparable to an appendage falling off from frostbite. My body went cold, my heart black and calloused so hard it felt like stone. 
The only sensible response was to smile, wish him well, and sever all communication and walk away with my head held high showing no weakness in the face of my adversary. Like times before it was so easy to block from social media but this time, was so different. Social media wasn’t enough. It wasn’t just me I was concerned for anymore, it was him too. He was “empty” after a night I had never felt more full. How could it be? And then upon blocking and deleting his number from my phone, as to not reach out or be reached, I realized I was alone. You see I had never learned his number, only stored it in my phone… you’d think after 7 months I’d know the shape of calling home. But I didn’t.

I am still learning from it. I’ve especially learned it’s okay to feed my emotions. Cry, scream, eat cookie dough, listen to sad songs… BUT never to feed my emotions more than my faith. God has really been my refuge through this heartbreak. Pray, read, talk, walk, dancing with Jesus everyday has been a life I live. And still everyday to walk to the cross, carrying this burden, this aching heart and asking the Lord to yet again take it, has been my biggest task. I find myself crying in His presence everyday asking forgiveness because somewhere along the way I picked the burden back up and tried to carry it again, getting crushed under the unknown, the what if’s and the why’s and the I hope’s and I want’s… and every day going back and laying it down at the feet of my Savior.
I find myself reciting prayers of blessing for him and his family, his church, his coworkers and his friends. I know it’s what the Lord wants me to do and by doing that I release him, piece by piece. 
I ask God daily, “What can I learn from this? What do you want to teach me today from this?” I’m still sifting through emotions. Moving on is a process, which I’m in the midst of. One day I know I’ll be on a date with a wonderful man and none of this will plague me anymore, in due time of course, however what I learn from this will last forever.

28.11

...And she let it fly, that gorgeous blackbird of a love she had been keeping in a cage.