22.10

22.10

She wondered as she listened to the chatter that if they knew who was sitting behind them, would poison so quickly flow from their tongues? She silently cried in the pew, heartbroken.. heart shattered.

***

He wore that same sweater Christmas day. The blue really brought out his eyes, he looked so handsome. It was the first time Ally and Stuart didn’t fight. Certainly the promise of marriage on the Eve of Christmas had softened Ally’s hard cold heart, as Lon had proposed that night she said yes. It was the happiest day of her life. Amazing how the idea of love ever after can change a person. She had a softness to her all a sudden, she was happy.  
They fought so much, like brother and sister. Kait had asked her if she could just try to get along. Stuart and Ally had a mutual love, her sister. Ally and Kait, only 18 months apart, they were more than sisters, they were best friends. Kait was in love. Ally had a hard time accepting someone as good enough for Kait but she tried. Stuart loved her. So much so, before nightfall the day after Christmas he asked for her hand in marriage. Kait said yes.

***

She dropped her head and began praying to a God she didn’t know, that He wake her up and the chatter continued. Thomas was still critical, in ICU at the Med in Memphis. The prognosis wasn’t promising. Mom and Dad stayed with him, missing the funeral. Kait stood, never leaving Stuart’s side as friends and family passed. 

“I heard he’s going die, he should. He shouldn’t live after this. He doesn’t deserve it.” 

“I hope he rots in hell.”

“If he does recover I hope his life is miserable.”

“Murderer.”

“Please, God, wake me up. This can’t be real.”  She left the pew and stepped outside. Ally couldn’t listen to the slanderers any longer. She wanted to run away.

***

After a week and days later Thomas woke up, he didn’t even remember Christmas. He thought he was still in Chicago. They decided to  wait a day before they told him the details of the wreck. Ally wasn’t there that day when he woke up. Mom and Dad told Ally to stay and take care of Kait and they would take care of him for now. 
Stuart’s funeral and burial had already taken place. Life was forever changed. Kait needed her sister, her best friend. 

***

“Hey baby, will you bring me a cheeseburger on your way home?” It was 1:30 am the 27th of December and Ally had just finished a night feeding with their 5 month old son. 
“Of course I will. I love you. I’ll be home soon.” Lon replied.  She stayed awake waiting on him and finally a little after 2 he showed up with a bag from McDonalds. He looked distressed. 
“What’s troubling you? Is everything ok? Did y'all have fun tonight?” she asked him.
“Yeah we did but I left just shortly after you called and then Kait called me asking if I had talked to Stuart or Thomas. I told her I hadn’t and asked if everything was ok. She told me she hated him and that she wasn’t going to marry him if he didn’t answer her calls… That she couldn’t reach either one of them.”  
Ally sighed as she took a bite, “She’s probably just drunk and being dramatic.” 

The phone rang, it was Kait again. “Call Thomas right now” she demanded. So Allly called with no answer. She called Kait back, “He didn’t answer, what’s going on?” Kait proceeded to tell her that they left together in Thomas’s sports car and neither were answering and she was scared they got pulled over for a DUI. Lon had some friends that worked for JPD so he said he would call and check.

Ally sat beside Lon as they made the call via speakerphone.

“Hey bud, I need to see if my brother-in-law to be may have been pulled over tonight for a DUI. No one can reach him or the guy with him and we are just wondering if they might be in custody.”  
Officer Cobb obliged and asked his name and what he was driving.
“It’s a two seater Honda S2000, little sports car. His name is Thomas Carter.” Lon replied
After a moment of silence, Cobb asked, “Is it a black car?”
“Yeah, you got him?”
“Oh man… dude… let me make sure it’s not him…”
“What?” Ally screamed
Ally screamed louder. “WHAT?”
She heard voices thru the static of the police radio.
“Lon, man… they had really bad wreck.”
In the background she heard over the police radio, “Passenger DOA driver non-responsive. Medical response is on the scene.”
“They had the top down and went flying by an officer who clocked them at 100 mph. By the time the officer had caught up he saw the car hit the wall and flip about 6 times down the ramp. The road was wet, the curve was sharp and he was going too fast. I”m sorry man. I’ll let you know more when I have more to share.”

3:15 am
“Mom, I’m sorry to wake you up but you need to get here right now. Thomas and Stuart had a wreck. Stuart didn’t survive and Thomas is in Jackson and they  are about to take him to Memphis. They don’t think he’s gonna make it. Lon’s parents are on the way to the house to get the kids and we are about to go to the hospital.” 
“I”m on my way.”

“Kait, can you come over?” Ally asked. “Why, what’s wrong? Are they in jail?”
“Look, just get here.” 

Reluctantly Kait showed up. “So where are they? What’s going on? Ally why are you crying? What is happening?”

Ally just held her and told her what happened. Louder pain has never been expressed as she screamed in horror. 

3:45 am
“Please just let me go in.” Ally begged the doctors as she saw her brother laying in the hospital bed dirty, bloody and lacerated. “I may never get to see him alive again, please…” The doctors finally said okay, and the officers guarding the door showed mercy. Lon stood outside, she needed to be alone with him. There were only minutes before they would be taking him to the MED. 

4:30
The doctors sedated Kait. She couldn’t handle what was happening, Ally barely could. Kait laid in the hospital bed and Lon embraced Ally on the hospital floor. The officers came back and asked if they knew the passenger. Ally replied, “Yes, it’ was my sister’s fiancé. They had just got engaged hours before all of this.” 
“Maam, can you identify the body then?”

***

"Ma'am, I know you don't know me but I got your number out of Kait's phone. You're Stuart's mother, correct?" Ally took a deep breath.

"Yes and who are you?" she replied.

"I'm Ally, Kait's sister. I hate to do this but I have some bad news."

"What is it?"

"Stuart was involved in a car accident with our brother." Ally's voice trembled.

"Is Stuart ok?" she asked. She was in Wisconsin with Stuart's twin sister for a wedding. Ten years to the day prior she had lost her husband and was about to find out she had just lost her son. Ally didn't know what to say or how to say it but there was no one else to tell her and she had to know.

"No ma'am he's not." 

"Is my son dead Ally?" 

Crying hysterically, "Yes. He died on impact."

"Thank you." She said as she hung up the phone.

***

Becoming Myself: I Still Believe

“Your blood mends the broken heart right now. Your blood compels me to forgive right now. Your blood transforms my mind right now. Your blood brings the dead to life right now. I still believe You’re the same yesterday, today and forever… and I still believe your blood is sufficient for me.”

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about love and courage. I keep hearing “Have enough courage to trust love one more time.” Easy to say but hard to do. I wanna break that down “Planet Janet” style because well I’ve been tearing it up all day in my mind and I have quite a bit to say about it. 

First I want to define a few words… Formal (1) & Planet Janet (2) style.

Courage:

1.the ability to do something that frightens one

2. strength in the face of fear, pain or grief 

Trust:

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

2. confidence placed in a person by another

Love: 

1. an intense feeling of deep affection

2. God. 

Vulnerable:

1. Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

2. The scariest feeling in the world

Ok now that that’s out of the way… I can jump right into it.

Love does not hurt you. People hurt you. Things hurt you. Love does not hurt you. However when we’ve been hurt in love we tend to blame the act of love. When we’ve put blame on something we tend to be more cautious of it because well, what we have placed blame on (love in this instance) hurt us in some way and we don’t want to feel that hurt again. It becomes something we avoid. And if we choose to ever experience it again it takes an enormous amount of courage. And with courage comes trust. Really can’t imagine getting up and trying again when trust isn’t involved. You don’t want to be foolish when using courage so you find something (or someone) to place trust in, confidence they will not lead you back to that place of hurt.

I was 10 years old (this is probably one of my favorite childhood memories) and I was riding my bike when I saw my big brother and his uber cute friend from a distance. I wanted to be cool in front of him and his friend and so I started pedaling real fast to catch up to them… what I didn’t see was that small ditch that landed me doing a flip over my handlebars. Rewind 5 years before, I had a really bad bike wreck that landed me in the hospital with a shattered patella, elbow and busted chin. Lots of blood and stitches later you can see I somehow mustered up courage to ride again. Back to my story. My brother came rushing to me to see if I was ok, genuinely concerned. I was fine except the grass stains my mom might kill me for and shattered ego. I picked my bike up and began walking it home. I remember crying and my brother came up to me and quietly said to me, “Get back on your bike. You’re ok you don’t have to walk it. You can still ride it.” After a little resilience and encouragement from him, I finally gave it a go (again) and what do you know… I was just fine and pedaled my broken ego bike home.

I trusted and loved my brother enough to muster up the courage to get back on my bike. I was hurt by my own lack of depth perception, fearful from a previous experience getting hurt on my bike... it wasn't the bike that hurt me... but I was ten and dude was cute, whatever.... Just wait for it…

In Mark 5:36 Jesus pretty much says the same thing my brother reassured me of… He says ““It’s all right. Don’t be afraid; just believe.” 

Scripture tells us (and I BELIEVE) the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8) So back when David was running to Gath and writing his psalms, He mentioned that “The Lord is near the broken hearted” (Psalm 34:18) So if the Lord was near the broken hearted back then and He is the same today as He was yesterday.. then wouldn’t that mean that today and even tomorrow the Lord will be near the broken hearted? YES!

I promise I’m going somewhere with this, just follow me…

To be in love, to fall in love is to be vulnerable. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability… I know that if I’m going to fall into someone’s arms, first it’s gonna require some courage to fall and then it’s gonna involve some trust that they will catch me.  

When you find someone you can put confidence in despite being susceptible to physical or emotional harm you’ve shown the ability to do something that is frightening with one you are fond of. In other words…When you find someone you can trust to be vulnerable around you’ve displayed courage and love.

So when I hear God telling me, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time”…. it takes me to a place of vulnerability. It’s a scary place but accompany that with Mark 5:36 and it’s not so scary. 

It’s like I can hear God just saying, “It’s alright, Janet. Don’t be afraid of love. Love didn’t hurt you. I know it’s scary but just believe… and even if you do get hurt by someone you love, I’m near. I’m right beside you through it all. So be courageous and love again.”

I’ve spent all day dissecting this in my mind and well, this is the best I can do as far as articulating it. Just trucking along on this journey of becoming myself and listening to the voice of God… 

xo

Becoming Myself: You Know Me

“You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, You see it all. You hung the stars and You move the sea and still You know me. And nothing is hidden from Your sight wherever I go, You find me. And You know every detail of my life And You are God and You don't miss a thing”

I find my heart and mind flooded today with a desire to bleed them out.  Hard to answer questions that are helping me to become myself. 

“Do my needs matter? Am I valuable? Will I be taken care of? Protected? Nurtured? When I need it? Or when it’s more convenient? Or never? Because not getting enough feels the same as rejection.”

Tough stuff. I have began asking these questions and taking into consideration their answers for all relationships surrounding me. Whether it’s a family member, a friend or potential lover…. the same questions apply to each relationship in their own unique way. When I begin to answer these questions I must be brutally honest with myself. And that’s exactly where I am right now. I’m evolving. I’m growing. I’m soon to be  facing reality of the answers to such difficult questions, as using discernment with the impending steps upon not only answering but accepting the answers and every action that follows.

I’m calmed as I begin to pray out.. “Jesus come into the unsatisfied places of my heart as I  proclaim the truth that in Christ I have enough. I have all I need. I declare oh God, that my soul is satisfied in You. I don’t have to fear never getting enough anymore. I don’t have to arrange for my own provision, protection or comfort. I already have more than enough and I always will.” 

I’ve kept my feet on the ground,
    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,
    my soul is a baby content.

Psalm 131:2 (MSG)

The psalmist draws a beautiful picture of the perfect contentment and confidence he enjoys in God. My heart is so full. The answers, the acceptance, and the actions to the questions I ponder on will all come in due time and the Lord will be by my side as I journey through them… but in the meantime, my soul is a baby content.

Warwick Avenue

I collect the broken promises one by one, 

I twist them back together in the night, 

Sticking them with glue and paper. 

They tremble in the pale light, 

Reminiscing, they take flight...  

Oh how I tried to set their edges straight.

The silence begins to grate. 

It’s as cutting as the traitor. 

Underestimate my heavy heart 

Oh Ana, how I hate her.

I will turn this empty part 

Into a finder of His truth. 

So please return my flowing dark  

And I will handle all the matter. 

Leave me standing, sleeping stark  

As my hopes for you tear and tatter. 

This is our last goodbye 

I knew it would be 

I already knew, you cannot love me. 

Poets are lost,

Consumed by the cost 

Of having hearts so paper thin 

They rip and tear with everything. 

Oh hold me all and hold me up...  

Catch my tears in your vile cup.  

We cannot be. And I cannot fight.  

Night is darkest before the light.

Such sentimental stirring. 

My heart, a wide open book. 

Yet bearing not, a second look. 

Dear Future Husband

“Imposters have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow but I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone . So I stand, handing out torches, speaking words that are lamps to their feet til' the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one and the fire in me is complete…So i’m holding my heart out for you"

 I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Though we haven't been established, my heart knows you well. I hear you’re coming soon. I must admit, I’m pretty excited. I’ve been preparing a long time for this… but there are some things I think you should know. First, I love you. You’re my lobster. I’ve loved you. This is forever. I’ve been praying for you, possibly praying you into existence… ok maybe not into existence but into that divine appointment that brought us to where we are now. 

I’ve been very diligent in taking care of myself for you. I keep my heart pure by abstaining from anything that may make me unclean and anything that doesn’t honor God. I know you’ll appreciate that because you’ve done the same for me. I’m no longer kissing frogs. In fact, I’m not kissing at all. I vowed to save that for you on our wedding day. I want you to unveil me and there be no traces of anyone else. Simply pure. So I pray daily that if there be anything that stands between God and myself, if there be anything that shrouds His glory, if there be anything that will weaken my sword in battle, that He purge it, slay it, utterly destroy it… I pray the same for you too. Your walk with God is so important to me because well, you’re going to be leading me and our children. We need a strong leader, that’s you. I’ll be right by your side though. Always. 

I’ve been running a lot and nourishing my body, gotta stay healthy so we can enjoy the rest of our lives together. I know you’ve been taking care of your temple too. I want you to know I appreciate that. I always want to be aesthetically appeasing in your eyes and be the best me I can be not only for you, for me and our family. I vow to be that grandmother chasing our grandkids because I made my health a priority in my youth. I know you’ll understand because you have that same desire. I can’t wait to cook some of delicious meals for you and our family! I’ve gotten really good at it! Never thought I would enjoy cooking so much!

School has been hard but I’ve managed to make really good grades and keep my GPA up. I keep reciting Philippians 4:13. I’m sure if you were here with me now you would tell me the same thing Paul did. 

I really should get back to my school work now, speaking of…. but I just wanted to take a minute to let you know you were on my mind. Thank you for your prayers today. I really love knowing that you’re thinking of me too and I look forward to the day that you and I are praying for one another, together. 

Love Always,

Janet

Serendipity

Upon your soul is the instilled virtue of her spirit

A warm soothing place where her truest beauty chose to rest

A delightful find she was to you in every way, every hour of every day

Where winter was welcomed because of the warmth in her smile

How her eyes are mirrored after halos worn of heavenly beings

and you found it difficult to muse words to her unique style

Your thoughts are rendered helpless when it comes to her heart

How she reaches out to children who lives are torn apart

How she stands in the gap where there is little hope for others

As she still finds the right amount of time to be a wonderful friend and mother

This beautiful creature is definitly one of a kind...

Beautiful heart, soul, & mind.

"I haven't planned to meet you for once... nor miss you for ever." 

In Awe of You

"What do you do when you're lost for words? They all fall short, so I just stand in awe, stand in awe of You Jesus."

Only a week ago I was so excited to share with you all that I was going back to school (again) only to have that excitement ripped violently from me Monday afternoon upon checking my mail. "Unfortunately you are not eligible for federal aid..."

My heart sank. 

I began praising God immediately though because in that moment I knew He was near. (Psalm 34:18) I claimed it as delay not denial and tried to keep my head up and hopes high that this was all part of God's plan for me as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, folded the letter back up, packed up the kids and we headed to the park to play.

While at the park I received a text message from a friend who wishes to stay anonymous so we will call this friend J. I told my friend of the terrible news and J could sense how hurt I was, despite trying not to be discouraged they could tell my heart was broken. 

After the park I went and met up with my friend Olivia whom i poured my heart out to about the letter I received. I admitted to her that I felt like I was constantly being thrown into the pit of failure because every time i attempted something great for my family I got knocked down. My education is very important to me not only so I can have a career and make good money... it's so much more than that. It's so I can provide better for my family, yes but mostly I want to set an example for them and break the curse of poverty & inferiority that has been haunting past generations. I have told the devil that it was over and apparently he didn't like that. 

I felt like I had failed my children. Doubt tried to creep in but I kept claiming delay and declared I would start school and finish school and have my degree and my children would see me do this and believe in themselves and their abilities because of it. I was determined. I am determined. 

So after being encouraged from her and praying and covering myself in the armor of God to fight this battle I went home. I reopened the letter, and gave myself another pep talk. I went online & dropped 2 of my classes thinking maybe if I just take the two classes this fall that I really need then maybe I can find a way to pay out of pocket. Well, it dropped it but I don't know many single moms that have $1122 laying around, plus I had to have it in less than a week or I would be forced to withdrawal from school. 

J not trying to be nosy but rather concerned text me and asked how much my tuition was. Hesitantly I told them knowing they are in relationship with Christ and I could count on them to pray about it. 

Wednesday morning.

By this time I had given up. I told only very few people what had happened and they could all see the hurt I was dealing with as I began mentally preparing to answer my peers question "How's school going" with a sad explanation that it was in fact not going at all. 

I was in the shower thinking about time and began cry out to The Lord, "Why not now Lord!? You specifically told me on June 09th it was time to step out of my boat and walk on water. So I did. I trusted you God. Now I need you to show up. I need a miracle. What am I supposed to do?" And I just cried my eyes out in desperation. 

Wednesday afternoon.

In my hands, an envelope. J said it was a story I needed to read. I opened it, confused because it wasn't a story at all. More like a manual... I flip through the pages and find another envelope. I opened that envelope to find another envelope. I giggled a little not understanding but I began opening that envelope and a nickel fell out. Inside was a folded up letter. I opened it and my jaw dropped as cash fell from inside the letter. 

"I used to work for a company.... Haven't worked there since 1999. My secretary gets a call last week asking for my mailing address (no idea why). I get the mail Monday and I have a check from them for $1124.05. Had no idea what it is for it just shows up with no reason, just a check.... Again, I have not worked for them in 15 years. Fast forward to about 10 hours later (Monday night) when you are talking about your school & I asked how much it was and you told me. This check was only 2.05$ more than what you needed.... I knew what I had to do. You are supposed to go to school this fall and I am supposed to help. I am absolutely convicted and this is what I'm supposed to do, it's a gift not a loan."

Attached to the letter was a photocopy of the check as to 'prove' this wasn't just a nice way to give me money to help me out of pity but a work of God. A miracle. 

J asked to remain anonymous because they want none of the glory but all glory to be to God, but has given me permission to share the story.

I pray that in sharing this story, it has restored some kind of faith, some kind of hope, some kind of determination into whoever is reading it. God loves His children. We are His babies. He loves me and He loves you. Please don't ever doubt His goodness, please don't allow delay to become denial because of doubt. The devil would love nothing more than to tear you down and get you out of God's will. Put on your armor and battle, you mighty warrior. 

"I'll sing my way through every storm, I'll worship forever. You are worthy God, forever." 

A love letter to the boy who has and will always have my heart

Six years ago, you were but a twinkle in Daddy’s eye, Landon. We saw that twinkle, but we didn’t yet know it was a baby. Our wildest dreams were about to come true. Amazingly, they were dreams we didn’t even realize we were dreaming. A few weeks before Christmas, I discovered that you were growing inside of me. Wow, what a beautiful surprise that was! I was so full of joy at the news that we were being given another baby. And I was scared, too. I knew how to take care of, how to love and how to be a mother to your sister. But how do you raise a boy? You began to grow and grow inside of me, sweet son, yet I didn’t yet realize that it was not what I had that mattered. It was what you had. Your sister was so excited to learn that she would be getting a new little baby sibling. We announced our joyful news with pride to anyone who would listen. Chloe was going to be a big sister. I would be a mama again. As you grew bigger, I loved to feel you tumble in my belly. I loved you already. But I had no idea, just no idea at all, how that love was going to manifest itself by the time you were in my arms as a perfect little baby. I knew I loved you then, baby boy. Yet I had no idea I would love you like this. Love you so much it hurts. My heart was feeling different, although I couldn’t exactly say why. You were another baby, a sweet boy, and I knew what this would feel like. After all, I already had the amazing gift of a little girl. I knew what to expect and was so thankful. Oh, but Landon, my expectations were wrong. You came out from your dark, soft cocoon and you fit perfectly in my arms. But there was more. I thought I saw something in your hands, though I couldn’t make it clearly out. Your fresh, damp butterfly wings beat against my cheek as I held you close. When you emerged, Landon, you changed me. All at once, without warning, I was being reborn. But I didn’t quite understand it at first. It was something I never imagined happening, this rebirth. Yes, you have been a special part of our family since the very beginning, my baby. A piece of the puzzle we never dreamed we were even missing. Suddenly, your love flooded over me. I realized the change you were bringing to my life. As I started to know you as my son, I became adrift in an ocean of joy. At once, I held your sister closer than I ever had. I vowed to see with clarity the amazing, priceless, fleeting gift that family is. Suddenly, the exhaustion, the chaos, the sleepless nights… all of the things I had been worried about before you were born disappeared into the distance. All I notice is you, your love and the way you have changed our family so beautifully. I never knew there was such a deeper level to my life as a mother to two children that I was missing out on. Until you. In your very short 6 years, you have taught me more about life and love than I can explain to you in this letter. I can’t explain it, because I don’t completely comprehend it. One thing I know, though. Finally I understand, sweet Landon, because your love has helped me to see. Becoming a mother again, being the vessel that helped to create you, didn’t have anything to do with me or what I had. I know now that it has always been all about you. You possessed all the love and peace that each of us in our family would need as we added a second child. All we needed to do was meet you, hold you, breathe you in deeply. As I tuck you into bed , kiss your soft skin and say our prayers tonight, your warmth helps me realize what it was that has been in your tiny hand. It was my heart. And it still is. You hold my heart in your hand, sweet baby boy. And, although I didn’t know it fully until now, you always have. How I survived as long as I did without you, Landon, I am sure I will never understand. I simply long for you to understand what a special part of our family you have always been. An integral, vital, eternally important part.... I love you sweet baby Landon Thatcher.

Happy birthday son. xo

July 27th, 2008 right after he was born, Chloe was the first to hold him! 

Weeds.

As I was mowing my lawn this morning I came across a dandelion. Just one single dandelion. As typical as a young lady in your summer romance novel, my first thought was to pick it.... and blow. Of course upon blowing, making a wish and watching that wish fly through the sky carrying with it my desires, heavy with hopeless aspirations in hopes of coming true. Then it happened.

Why wish (send my desires flying) on a flower, a weed, that loses life as soon as it disconnects from earth, when I can instead PRAY about those desires to the King that planted them in my heart that lives forever?

Where are you placing your hope? To whom or what do you send your desires flying with? 

7 “But now, Lord, what do I look for?
    My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"The dandelion will grow anywhere, except where eradicated. One may find the Lord anywhere, except where people have excluded Him."

Passenger

One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

Cry Freedom Cry

How many of you are in an abyss, a tomb, crying out and cutting yourself with stones? The devil wants to torment, humiliate, and isolate us. He tries to make us believe we don't deserve good in our life, believe that we deserve to be in that place of confinement surrounded with evil spirits. Convince us opposite of what God has made us to be. (Genesis 1:26 in His image, His likeness) Jesus came to save, to love, to heal all of us and take us from that dark place and deliver us from evil. I believe if He can do it for the demon possessed man (Luke 8:26-39) over 2000 years ago He can do it still to this day. We serve the same God and He never changes. (Hebrews 13:8)  Put your faith in Him. trust in Him and be set free. 

May today be a new day... the beginning of new thoughts, new inner dialogue, new love, restored joy, peace and a stronger more resilient relationship with The Lord Jesus Christ. May you be blessed with every step you take and the treasures of Heaven rain down upon you today. Be free. Be loved, feel love, know and give love. 

Simmering

"How will you ever know when you're sleeping at the crash site, walkin on the wreckage of somebody's past life?"

Get out of your past life. It's dead. 

There is nothing to change other than this moment and the ones to come. 

And stay out of others past too. Why, if you weren't there to witness it the first time would you want them to relive it so you can see it now? Let them be brand new. 

Thoughts from Planet Janet

Jesus was not a person who tried to keep a good reputation intact. He never tried to explain himself for the sake of his image. Knowing there were people who disagreed and even hated him didn't cause him change one thing he did. Jesus didn't value what people thought... he valued people, period. Character is about who you are. Reputation is about who people think you are. The Lord is the keeper of your reputation. Your goodness comes from him alone.

1 John 3:13-14 

Oceans

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters...." 

"Lord, if it's you tell me to come to you on the water," and to that Jesus replied, "Come." So Peter climbed out of the boat and onto the raging sea and began to make his way to Jesus. 

Has Jesus been calling you to step out of your comfort zone, out of your safe boat, onto rough waters to come closer to Him? To out of faith step out and forget what MIGHT happen and just trust Him because all He is trying to do is help you fulfill the destiny that  has been laid out for you? 

Today, I stepped out of my boat. Ive had a dream for so long and it laid on my heart, never manifesting into more than a simple wish or desire. God has been watering my dream and tinkering my heart filling it with hope, ambition, confidence, restoration and patience. I didn't understand what this season was about but I knew He has been working on making me a better woman. I thought that maybe this growth was for the man He has waiting for me but have come to realize that's not it at all. He's making me a better woman for Him to use to fulfill this dream, this destiny that He has for me. I don't think He will waste this woman He's shaping me to be to a life of singleness (considering there's kinda this guy who has my eye...) BUT what I am saying is that my purpose is for so much more than an earthly relationship. Right now in this moment it's about Him. It's about furthering His kingdom through this dream that is becoming a reality one tiny step at a time. My toes are wet! I'm so excited! 

Now if you keep reading in Matthew Chapter 14, you'll see in verse 30 that Peter ends up falling. He took his eyes off of the Lord. He didn't look past his current conditions (raging seas, a storm... His conditions scared him)  and he began sinking, needing to be rescued. Jesus said to him, "You've little faith."  now most of us if we could say anything to Peter we would probably be like, "Come on Peter.... Geez! Jesus was right there! Why would you take your eyes off of Him?!? If only you had stayed focused on Him you wouldn't have sank!" 

....Wait for it...... 

Are your eyes on Jesus or your current conditions? Your circumstances? Am I terrified of testing these new waters, well yeah a little. But I'm choosing to keep my eyes on Jesus through this. I hear His calling on my life and climbing out of my boat to walk on water toward Him is a REQUIREMENT to live out this dream He has given me. He hasn't told me it would be easy but He has promised me that He will never leave me, nor forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6) 

Verse 32 of Matthew chapter 16 tells us that Jesus rescued Peter and put him back in the boat. Think about that, despite the fear that overcame Peter even though Jesus was right there... It didn't keep Jesus from coming to His rescue and putting him back in a safe place. And to that I agree with Pastor Steven to whom I give credit to this next sentence, that if Peter had anything to say to us about that situation (from his very own personal experience) would be,  "Listen to the voice of God and follow His leading. Even if you sink and fall, at least you are close enough to the Lord for Him to pick you up and out you back in the boat." 

"...... wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour."

Left Alone

It hurt more than it ought to hurt, I went to work to cultivate a callous. It never bothered me before not until this guy, what a guy, oh God what a good guy and I can't even enjoy him. My ills are reticulate, my woes are granular. The ants weight more than the elephants. Nothing is manageable. So, couldn't we skip the valedictories, I can see a door there... Shut it and forget my number 'cause now I'm hard, too hard to know. I don't cry when I'm sad anymore. Tears calcify in my tummy. Fears coincide with the tow.


Found that switch.