Gravity

I’m laying in my bed thinking about how I don’t write anymore… I miss it. I certainly have a lot to say yet find myself bottling up thoughts and releasing them to sweet sleep and time. So, tonight… I think I’m just going to write about what I’m thinking… and tonight i’m thinking about my favorite song because I’ve been listening to it all night and suddenly the way I’ve listened to it has changed.

Gravity.

by Sara Bareilles. 

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 

'till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love 

And not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. 

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while 

And all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see 

That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down,

You're keeping me down

Something always brings me back to you, 

It never takes too long.

So Sara wrote this song about one of her first heartbreaks. It’s a beautiful song, you should youtube it. Gravity is defined  as the force that attracts a body toward the center or the earth, or toward any physical body having mass. Something Newton made a big deal over back in the 1600s. 400 years later I’m rediscovering Gravity.

I used to identify this song with an eating disorder and not love. Or maybe it was love, love of an eating disorder.. my addiction… but then again can’t love be an addiction? I don’t think addictions always have to refer to substance abuse or something tangible like alcohol, sex, or money or a discarnate eating disorder… For many it does, but for others I think love can be an addiction. Maybe it’s the emotion love brings. A need to be accepted, adored or desired. This song tonight didn’t make me think of bulimia or anorexia but instead of a person who knows exactly what they are getting into, knows they are going to lose everything in the end and yet, does it again and again. I really believe you can be addicted to the way another person makes you feel, even if it keeps ending badly or especially if it it keeps ending badly. It made me think of someone who acknowledges their dependency yet isn't wiling to let the security of it (or him or her) go.

I go back and analyze the song more and realize that person, the “gravity” doesn't see how they're making you fall deeper for them by merely being themselves or whatever your “gravity may be” … then I noticed the line ‘you loved me because i’m fragile….. but you touch me for a little while..” loved is past tense and touch is present… how tragic it is to be pulled into such turmoil because of a force (gravity) that we seem to have no defense against… gravity… .

My Kind of Love

Cause when you given up

When no matter what you do, it's never good enough

When you never thought that it could ever get this tough

That's when you feel my kind of love

It’s like I had a history of killing myself and he had a habit of dying. To be told that after one of the most amazing, emotionally captivating, and fulfilling nights of your life, in the season of heartache, he felt “empty” was comparable to an appendage falling off from frostbite. My body went cold, my heart black and calloused so hard it felt like stone. 
The only sensible response was to smile, wish him well, and sever all communication and walk away with my head held high showing no weakness in the face of my adversary. Like times before it was so easy to block from social media but this time, was so different. Social media wasn’t enough. It wasn’t just me I was concerned for anymore, it was him too. He was “empty” after a night I had never felt more full. How could it be? And then upon blocking and deleting his number from my phone, as to not reach out or be reached, I realized I was alone. You see I had never learned his number, only stored it in my phone… you’d think after 7 months I’d know the shape of calling home. But I didn’t.

I am still learning from it. I’ve especially learned it’s okay to feed my emotions. Cry, scream, eat cookie dough, listen to sad songs… BUT never to feed my emotions more than my faith. God has really been my refuge through this heartbreak. Pray, read, talk, walk, dancing with Jesus everyday has been a life I live. And still everyday to walk to the cross, carrying this burden, this aching heart and asking the Lord to yet again take it, has been my biggest task. I find myself crying in His presence everyday asking forgiveness because somewhere along the way I picked the burden back up and tried to carry it again, getting crushed under the unknown, the what if’s and the why’s and the I hope’s and I want’s… and every day going back and laying it down at the feet of my Savior.
I find myself reciting prayers of blessing for him and his family, his church, his coworkers and his friends. I know it’s what the Lord wants me to do and by doing that I release him, piece by piece. 
I ask God daily, “What can I learn from this? What do you want to teach me today from this?” I’m still sifting through emotions. Moving on is a process, which I’m in the midst of. One day I know I’ll be on a date with a wonderful man and none of this will plague me anymore, in due time of course, however what I learn from this will last forever.

28.11

...And she let it fly, that gorgeous blackbird of a love she had been keeping in a cage. 

22.10

22.10

She wondered as she listened to the chatter that if they knew who was sitting behind them, would poison so quickly flow from their tongues? She silently cried in the pew, heartbroken.. heart shattered.

***

He wore that same sweater Christmas day. The blue really brought out his eyes, he looked so handsome. It was the first time Ally and Stuart didn’t fight. Certainly the promise of marriage on the Eve of Christmas had softened Ally’s hard cold heart, as Lon had proposed that night she said yes. It was the happiest day of her life. Amazing how the idea of love ever after can change a person. She had a softness to her all a sudden, she was happy.  
They fought so much, like brother and sister. Kait had asked her if she could just try to get along. Stuart and Ally had a mutual love, her sister. Ally and Kait, only 18 months apart, they were more than sisters, they were best friends. Kait was in love. Ally had a hard time accepting someone as good enough for Kait but she tried. Stuart loved her. So much so, before nightfall the day after Christmas he asked for her hand in marriage. Kait said yes.

***

She dropped her head and began praying to a God she didn’t know, that He wake her up and the chatter continued. Thomas was still critical, in ICU at the Med in Memphis. The prognosis wasn’t promising. Mom and Dad stayed with him, missing the funeral. Kait stood, never leaving Stuart’s side as friends and family passed. 

“I heard he’s going die, he should. He shouldn’t live after this. He doesn’t deserve it.” 

“I hope he rots in hell.”

“If he does recover I hope his life is miserable.”

“Murderer.”

“Please, God, wake me up. This can’t be real.”  She left the pew and stepped outside. Ally couldn’t listen to the slanderers any longer. She wanted to run away.

***

After a week and days later Thomas woke up, he didn’t even remember Christmas. He thought he was still in Chicago. They decided to  wait a day before they told him the details of the wreck. Ally wasn’t there that day when he woke up. Mom and Dad told Ally to stay and take care of Kait and they would take care of him for now. 
Stuart’s funeral and burial had already taken place. Life was forever changed. Kait needed her sister, her best friend. 

***

“Hey baby, will you bring me a cheeseburger on your way home?” It was 1:30 am the 27th of December and Ally had just finished a night feeding with their 5 month old son. 
“Of course I will. I love you. I’ll be home soon.” Lon replied.  She stayed awake waiting on him and finally a little after 2 he showed up with a bag from McDonalds. He looked distressed. 
“What’s troubling you? Is everything ok? Did y'all have fun tonight?” she asked him.
“Yeah we did but I left just shortly after you called and then Kait called me asking if I had talked to Stuart or Thomas. I told her I hadn’t and asked if everything was ok. She told me she hated him and that she wasn’t going to marry him if he didn’t answer her calls… That she couldn’t reach either one of them.”  
Ally sighed as she took a bite, “She’s probably just drunk and being dramatic.” 

The phone rang, it was Kait again. “Call Thomas right now” she demanded. So Allly called with no answer. She called Kait back, “He didn’t answer, what’s going on?” Kait proceeded to tell her that they left together in Thomas’s sports car and neither were answering and she was scared they got pulled over for a DUI. Lon had some friends that worked for JPD so he said he would call and check.

Ally sat beside Lon as they made the call via speakerphone.

“Hey bud, I need to see if my brother-in-law to be may have been pulled over tonight for a DUI. No one can reach him or the guy with him and we are just wondering if they might be in custody.”  
Officer Cobb obliged and asked his name and what he was driving.
“It’s a two seater Honda S2000, little sports car. His name is Thomas Carter.” Lon replied
After a moment of silence, Cobb asked, “Is it a black car?”
“Yeah, you got him?”
“Oh man… dude… let me make sure it’s not him…”
“What?” Ally screamed
Ally screamed louder. “WHAT?”
She heard voices thru the static of the police radio.
“Lon, man… they had really bad wreck.”
In the background she heard over the police radio, “Passenger DOA driver non-responsive. Medical response is on the scene.”
“They had the top down and went flying by an officer who clocked them at 100 mph. By the time the officer had caught up he saw the car hit the wall and flip about 6 times down the ramp. The road was wet, the curve was sharp and he was going too fast. I”m sorry man. I’ll let you know more when I have more to share.”

3:15 am
“Mom, I’m sorry to wake you up but you need to get here right now. Thomas and Stuart had a wreck. Stuart didn’t survive and Thomas is in Jackson and they  are about to take him to Memphis. They don’t think he’s gonna make it. Lon’s parents are on the way to the house to get the kids and we are about to go to the hospital.” 
“I”m on my way.”

“Kait, can you come over?” Ally asked. “Why, what’s wrong? Are they in jail?”
“Look, just get here.” 

Reluctantly Kait showed up. “So where are they? What’s going on? Ally why are you crying? What is happening?”

Ally just held her and told her what happened. Louder pain has never been expressed as she screamed in horror. 

3:45 am
“Please just let me go in.” Ally begged the doctors as she saw her brother laying in the hospital bed dirty, bloody and lacerated. “I may never get to see him alive again, please…” The doctors finally said okay, and the officers guarding the door showed mercy. Lon stood outside, she needed to be alone with him. There were only minutes before they would be taking him to the MED. 

4:30
The doctors sedated Kait. She couldn’t handle what was happening, Ally barely could. Kait laid in the hospital bed and Lon embraced Ally on the hospital floor. The officers came back and asked if they knew the passenger. Ally replied, “Yes, it’ was my sister’s fiancé. They had just got engaged hours before all of this.” 
“Maam, can you identify the body then?”

***

"Ma'am, I know you don't know me but I got your number out of Kait's phone. You're Stuart's mother, correct?" Ally took a deep breath.

"Yes and who are you?" she replied.

"I'm Ally, Kait's sister. I hate to do this but I have some bad news."

"What is it?"

"Stuart was involved in a car accident with our brother." Ally's voice trembled.

"Is Stuart ok?" she asked. She was in Wisconsin with Stuart's twin sister for a wedding. Ten years to the day prior she had lost her husband and was about to find out she had just lost her son. Ally didn't know what to say or how to say it but there was no one else to tell her and she had to know.

"No ma'am he's not." 

"Is my son dead Ally?" 

Crying hysterically, "Yes. He died on impact."

"Thank you." She said as she hung up the phone.

***

Becoming Myself: I Still Believe

“Your blood mends the broken heart right now. Your blood compels me to forgive right now. Your blood transforms my mind right now. Your blood brings the dead to life right now. I still believe You’re the same yesterday, today and forever… and I still believe your blood is sufficient for me.”

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about love and courage. I keep hearing “Have enough courage to trust love one more time.” Easy to say but hard to do. I wanna break that down “Planet Janet” style because well I’ve been tearing it up all day in my mind and I have quite a bit to say about it. 

First I want to define a few words… Formal (1) & Planet Janet (2) style.

Courage:

1.the ability to do something that frightens one

2. strength in the face of fear, pain or grief 

Trust:

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

2. confidence placed in a person by another

Love: 

1. an intense feeling of deep affection

2. God. 

Vulnerable:

1. Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

2. The scariest feeling in the world

Ok now that that’s out of the way… I can jump right into it.

Love does not hurt you. People hurt you. Things hurt you. Love does not hurt you. However when we’ve been hurt in love we tend to blame the act of love. When we’ve put blame on something we tend to be more cautious of it because well, what we have placed blame on (love in this instance) hurt us in some way and we don’t want to feel that hurt again. It becomes something we avoid. And if we choose to ever experience it again it takes an enormous amount of courage. And with courage comes trust. Really can’t imagine getting up and trying again when trust isn’t involved. You don’t want to be foolish when using courage so you find something (or someone) to place trust in, confidence they will not lead you back to that place of hurt.

I was 10 years old (this is probably one of my favorite childhood memories) and I was riding my bike when I saw my big brother and his uber cute friend from a distance. I wanted to be cool in front of him and his friend and so I started pedaling real fast to catch up to them… what I didn’t see was that small ditch that landed me doing a flip over my handlebars. Rewind 5 years before, I had a really bad bike wreck that landed me in the hospital with a shattered patella, elbow and busted chin. Lots of blood and stitches later you can see I somehow mustered up courage to ride again. Back to my story. My brother came rushing to me to see if I was ok, genuinely concerned. I was fine except the grass stains my mom might kill me for and shattered ego. I picked my bike up and began walking it home. I remember crying and my brother came up to me and quietly said to me, “Get back on your bike. You’re ok you don’t have to walk it. You can still ride it.” After a little resilience and encouragement from him, I finally gave it a go (again) and what do you know… I was just fine and pedaled my broken ego bike home.

I trusted and loved my brother enough to muster up the courage to get back on my bike. I was hurt by my own lack of depth perception, fearful from a previous experience getting hurt on my bike... it wasn't the bike that hurt me... but I was ten and dude was cute, whatever.... Just wait for it…

In Mark 5:36 Jesus pretty much says the same thing my brother reassured me of… He says ““It’s all right. Don’t be afraid; just believe.” 

Scripture tells us (and I BELIEVE) the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8) So back when David was running to Gath and writing his psalms, He mentioned that “The Lord is near the broken hearted” (Psalm 34:18) So if the Lord was near the broken hearted back then and He is the same today as He was yesterday.. then wouldn’t that mean that today and even tomorrow the Lord will be near the broken hearted? YES!

I promise I’m going somewhere with this, just follow me…

To be in love, to fall in love is to be vulnerable. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability… I know that if I’m going to fall into someone’s arms, first it’s gonna require some courage to fall and then it’s gonna involve some trust that they will catch me.  

When you find someone you can put confidence in despite being susceptible to physical or emotional harm you’ve shown the ability to do something that is frightening with one you are fond of. In other words…When you find someone you can trust to be vulnerable around you’ve displayed courage and love.

So when I hear God telling me, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time”…. it takes me to a place of vulnerability. It’s a scary place but accompany that with Mark 5:36 and it’s not so scary. 

It’s like I can hear God just saying, “It’s alright, Janet. Don’t be afraid of love. Love didn’t hurt you. I know it’s scary but just believe… and even if you do get hurt by someone you love, I’m near. I’m right beside you through it all. So be courageous and love again.”

I’ve spent all day dissecting this in my mind and well, this is the best I can do as far as articulating it. Just trucking along on this journey of becoming myself and listening to the voice of God… 

xo

Becoming Myself: You Know Me

“You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, You see it all. You hung the stars and You move the sea and still You know me. And nothing is hidden from Your sight wherever I go, You find me. And You know every detail of my life And You are God and You don't miss a thing”

I find my heart and mind flooded today with a desire to bleed them out.  Hard to answer questions that are helping me to become myself. 

“Do my needs matter? Am I valuable? Will I be taken care of? Protected? Nurtured? When I need it? Or when it’s more convenient? Or never? Because not getting enough feels the same as rejection.”

Tough stuff. I have began asking these questions and taking into consideration their answers for all relationships surrounding me. Whether it’s a family member, a friend or potential lover…. the same questions apply to each relationship in their own unique way. When I begin to answer these questions I must be brutally honest with myself. And that’s exactly where I am right now. I’m evolving. I’m growing. I’m soon to be  facing reality of the answers to such difficult questions, as using discernment with the impending steps upon not only answering but accepting the answers and every action that follows.

I’m calmed as I begin to pray out.. “Jesus come into the unsatisfied places of my heart as I  proclaim the truth that in Christ I have enough. I have all I need. I declare oh God, that my soul is satisfied in You. I don’t have to fear never getting enough anymore. I don’t have to arrange for my own provision, protection or comfort. I already have more than enough and I always will.” 

I’ve kept my feet on the ground,
    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,
    my soul is a baby content.

Psalm 131:2 (MSG)

The psalmist draws a beautiful picture of the perfect contentment and confidence he enjoys in God. My heart is so full. The answers, the acceptance, and the actions to the questions I ponder on will all come in due time and the Lord will be by my side as I journey through them… but in the meantime, my soul is a baby content.

Warwick Avenue

I collect the broken promises one by one, 

I twist them back together in the night, 

Sticking them with glue and paper. 

They tremble in the pale light, 

Reminiscing, they take flight...  

Oh how I tried to set their edges straight.

The silence begins to grate. 

It’s as cutting as the traitor. 

Underestimate my heavy heart 

Oh Ana, how I hate her.

I will turn this empty part 

Into a finder of His truth. 

So please return my flowing dark  

And I will handle all the matter. 

Leave me standing, sleeping stark  

As my hopes for you tear and tatter. 

This is our last goodbye 

I knew it would be 

I already knew, you cannot love me. 

Poets are lost,

Consumed by the cost 

Of having hearts so paper thin 

They rip and tear with everything. 

Oh hold me all and hold me up...  

Catch my tears in your vile cup.  

We cannot be. And I cannot fight.  

Night is darkest before the light.

Such sentimental stirring. 

My heart, a wide open book. 

Yet bearing not, a second look. 

Dear Future Husband

“Imposters have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow but I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone . So I stand, handing out torches, speaking words that are lamps to their feet til' the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one and the fire in me is complete…So i’m holding my heart out for you"

 I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Though we haven't been established, my heart knows you well. I hear you’re coming soon. I must admit, I’m pretty excited. I’ve been preparing a long time for this… but there are some things I think you should know. First, I love you. You’re my lobster. I’ve loved you. This is forever. I’ve been praying for you, possibly praying you into existence… ok maybe not into existence but into that divine appointment that brought us to where we are now. 

I’ve been very diligent in taking care of myself for you. I keep my heart pure by abstaining from anything that may make me unclean and anything that doesn’t honor God. I know you’ll appreciate that because you’ve done the same for me. I’m no longer kissing frogs. In fact, I’m not kissing at all. I vowed to save that for you on our wedding day. I want you to unveil me and there be no traces of anyone else. Simply pure. So I pray daily that if there be anything that stands between God and myself, if there be anything that shrouds His glory, if there be anything that will weaken my sword in battle, that He purge it, slay it, utterly destroy it… I pray the same for you too. Your walk with God is so important to me because well, you’re going to be leading me and our children. We need a strong leader, that’s you. I’ll be right by your side though. Always. 

I’ve been running a lot and nourishing my body, gotta stay healthy so we can enjoy the rest of our lives together. I know you’ve been taking care of your temple too. I want you to know I appreciate that. I always want to be aesthetically appeasing in your eyes and be the best me I can be not only for you, for me and our family. I vow to be that grandmother chasing our grandkids because I made my health a priority in my youth. I know you’ll understand because you have that same desire. I can’t wait to cook some of delicious meals for you and our family! I’ve gotten really good at it! Never thought I would enjoy cooking so much!

School has been hard but I’ve managed to make really good grades and keep my GPA up. I keep reciting Philippians 4:13. I’m sure if you were here with me now you would tell me the same thing Paul did. 

I really should get back to my school work now, speaking of…. but I just wanted to take a minute to let you know you were on my mind. Thank you for your prayers today. I really love knowing that you’re thinking of me too and I look forward to the day that you and I are praying for one another, together. 

Love Always,

Janet

Serendipity

Upon your soul is the instilled virtue of her spirit

A warm soothing place where her truest beauty chose to rest

A delightful find she was to you in every way, every hour of every day

Where winter was welcomed because of the warmth in her smile

How her eyes are mirrored after halos worn of heavenly beings

and you found it difficult to muse words to her unique style

Your thoughts are rendered helpless when it comes to her heart

How she reaches out to children who lives are torn apart

How she stands in the gap where there is little hope for others

As she still finds the right amount of time to be a wonderful friend and mother

This beautiful creature is definitly one of a kind...

Beautiful heart, soul, & mind.

"I haven't planned to meet you for once... nor miss you for ever." 

In Awe of You

"What do you do when you're lost for words? They all fall short, so I just stand in awe, stand in awe of You Jesus."

Only a week ago I was so excited to share with you all that I was going back to school (again) only to have that excitement ripped violently from me Monday afternoon upon checking my mail. "Unfortunately you are not eligible for federal aid..."

My heart sank. 

I began praising God immediately though because in that moment I knew He was near. (Psalm 34:18) I claimed it as delay not denial and tried to keep my head up and hopes high that this was all part of God's plan for me as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, folded the letter back up, packed up the kids and we headed to the park to play.

While at the park I received a text message from a friend who wishes to stay anonymous so we will call this friend J. I told my friend of the terrible news and J could sense how hurt I was, despite trying not to be discouraged they could tell my heart was broken. 

After the park I went and met up with my friend Olivia whom i poured my heart out to about the letter I received. I admitted to her that I felt like I was constantly being thrown into the pit of failure because every time i attempted something great for my family I got knocked down. My education is very important to me not only so I can have a career and make good money... it's so much more than that. It's so I can provide better for my family, yes but mostly I want to set an example for them and break the curse of poverty & inferiority that has been haunting past generations. I have told the devil that it was over and apparently he didn't like that. 

I felt like I had failed my children. Doubt tried to creep in but I kept claiming delay and declared I would start school and finish school and have my degree and my children would see me do this and believe in themselves and their abilities because of it. I was determined. I am determined. 

So after being encouraged from her and praying and covering myself in the armor of God to fight this battle I went home. I reopened the letter, and gave myself another pep talk. I went online & dropped 2 of my classes thinking maybe if I just take the two classes this fall that I really need then maybe I can find a way to pay out of pocket. Well, it dropped it but I don't know many single moms that have $1122 laying around, plus I had to have it in less than a week or I would be forced to withdrawal from school. 

J not trying to be nosy but rather concerned text me and asked how much my tuition was. Hesitantly I told them knowing they are in relationship with Christ and I could count on them to pray about it. 

Wednesday morning.

By this time I had given up. I told only very few people what had happened and they could all see the hurt I was dealing with as I began mentally preparing to answer my peers question "How's school going" with a sad explanation that it was in fact not going at all. 

I was in the shower thinking about time and began cry out to The Lord, "Why not now Lord!? You specifically told me on June 09th it was time to step out of my boat and walk on water. So I did. I trusted you God. Now I need you to show up. I need a miracle. What am I supposed to do?" And I just cried my eyes out in desperation. 

Wednesday afternoon.

In my hands, an envelope. J said it was a story I needed to read. I opened it, confused because it wasn't a story at all. More like a manual... I flip through the pages and find another envelope. I opened that envelope to find another envelope. I giggled a little not understanding but I began opening that envelope and a nickel fell out. Inside was a folded up letter. I opened it and my jaw dropped as cash fell from inside the letter. 

"I used to work for a company.... Haven't worked there since 1999. My secretary gets a call last week asking for my mailing address (no idea why). I get the mail Monday and I have a check from them for $1124.05. Had no idea what it is for it just shows up with no reason, just a check.... Again, I have not worked for them in 15 years. Fast forward to about 10 hours later (Monday night) when you are talking about your school & I asked how much it was and you told me. This check was only 2.05$ more than what you needed.... I knew what I had to do. You are supposed to go to school this fall and I am supposed to help. I am absolutely convicted and this is what I'm supposed to do, it's a gift not a loan."

Attached to the letter was a photocopy of the check as to 'prove' this wasn't just a nice way to give me money to help me out of pity but a work of God. A miracle. 

J asked to remain anonymous because they want none of the glory but all glory to be to God, but has given me permission to share the story.

I pray that in sharing this story, it has restored some kind of faith, some kind of hope, some kind of determination into whoever is reading it. God loves His children. We are His babies. He loves me and He loves you. Please don't ever doubt His goodness, please don't allow delay to become denial because of doubt. The devil would love nothing more than to tear you down and get you out of God's will. Put on your armor and battle, you mighty warrior. 

"I'll sing my way through every storm, I'll worship forever. You are worthy God, forever."