A love letter to the boy who has and will always have my heart

Six years ago, you were but a twinkle in Daddy’s eye, Landon. We saw that twinkle, but we didn’t yet know it was a baby. Our wildest dreams were about to come true. Amazingly, they were dreams we didn’t even realize we were dreaming. A few weeks before Christmas, I discovered that you were growing inside of me. Wow, what a beautiful surprise that was! I was so full of joy at the news that we were being given another baby. And I was scared, too. I knew how to take care of, how to love and how to be a mother to your sister. But how do you raise a boy? You began to grow and grow inside of me, sweet son, yet I didn’t yet realize that it was not what I had that mattered. It was what you had. Your sister was so excited to learn that she would be getting a new little baby sibling. We announced our joyful news with pride to anyone who would listen. Chloe was going to be a big sister. I would be a mama again. As you grew bigger, I loved to feel you tumble in my belly. I loved you already. But I had no idea, just no idea at all, how that love was going to manifest itself by the time you were in my arms as a perfect little baby. I knew I loved you then, baby boy. Yet I had no idea I would love you like this. Love you so much it hurts. My heart was feeling different, although I couldn’t exactly say why. You were another baby, a sweet boy, and I knew what this would feel like. After all, I already had the amazing gift of a little girl. I knew what to expect and was so thankful. Oh, but Landon, my expectations were wrong. You came out from your dark, soft cocoon and you fit perfectly in my arms. But there was more. I thought I saw something in your hands, though I couldn’t make it clearly out. Your fresh, damp butterfly wings beat against my cheek as I held you close. When you emerged, Landon, you changed me. All at once, without warning, I was being reborn. But I didn’t quite understand it at first. It was something I never imagined happening, this rebirth. Yes, you have been a special part of our family since the very beginning, my baby. A piece of the puzzle we never dreamed we were even missing. Suddenly, your love flooded over me. I realized the change you were bringing to my life. As I started to know you as my son, I became adrift in an ocean of joy. At once, I held your sister closer than I ever had. I vowed to see with clarity the amazing, priceless, fleeting gift that family is. Suddenly, the exhaustion, the chaos, the sleepless nights… all of the things I had been worried about before you were born disappeared into the distance. All I notice is you, your love and the way you have changed our family so beautifully. I never knew there was such a deeper level to my life as a mother to two children that I was missing out on. Until you. In your very short 6 years, you have taught me more about life and love than I can explain to you in this letter. I can’t explain it, because I don’t completely comprehend it. One thing I know, though. Finally I understand, sweet Landon, because your love has helped me to see. Becoming a mother again, being the vessel that helped to create you, didn’t have anything to do with me or what I had. I know now that it has always been all about you. You possessed all the love and peace that each of us in our family would need as we added a second child. All we needed to do was meet you, hold you, breathe you in deeply. As I tuck you into bed , kiss your soft skin and say our prayers tonight, your warmth helps me realize what it was that has been in your tiny hand. It was my heart. And it still is. You hold my heart in your hand, sweet baby boy. And, although I didn’t know it fully until now, you always have. How I survived as long as I did without you, Landon, I am sure I will never understand. I simply long for you to understand what a special part of our family you have always been. An integral, vital, eternally important part.... I love you sweet baby Landon Thatcher.

Happy birthday son. xo

July 27th, 2008 right after he was born, Chloe was the first to hold him!