Becoming Myself: I Still Believe

“Your blood mends the broken heart right now. Your blood compels me to forgive right now. Your blood transforms my mind right now. Your blood brings the dead to life right now. I still believe You’re the same yesterday, today and forever… and I still believe your blood is sufficient for me.”

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about love and courage. I keep hearing “Have enough courage to trust love one more time.” Easy to say but hard to do. I wanna break that down “Planet Janet” style because well I’ve been tearing it up all day in my mind and I have quite a bit to say about it. 

First I want to define a few words… Formal (1) & Planet Janet (2) style.

Courage:

1.the ability to do something that frightens one

2. strength in the face of fear, pain or grief 

Trust:

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

2. confidence placed in a person by another

Love: 

1. an intense feeling of deep affection

2. God. 

Vulnerable:

1. Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

2. The scariest feeling in the world

Ok now that that’s out of the way… I can jump right into it.

Love does not hurt you. People hurt you. Things hurt you. Love does not hurt you. However when we’ve been hurt in love we tend to blame the act of love. When we’ve put blame on something we tend to be more cautious of it because well, what we have placed blame on (love in this instance) hurt us in some way and we don’t want to feel that hurt again. It becomes something we avoid. And if we choose to ever experience it again it takes an enormous amount of courage. And with courage comes trust. Really can’t imagine getting up and trying again when trust isn’t involved. You don’t want to be foolish when using courage so you find something (or someone) to place trust in, confidence they will not lead you back to that place of hurt.

I was 10 years old (this is probably one of my favorite childhood memories) and I was riding my bike when I saw my big brother and his uber cute friend from a distance. I wanted to be cool in front of him and his friend and so I started pedaling real fast to catch up to them… what I didn’t see was that small ditch that landed me doing a flip over my handlebars. Rewind 5 years before, I had a really bad bike wreck that landed me in the hospital with a shattered patella, elbow and busted chin. Lots of blood and stitches later you can see I somehow mustered up courage to ride again. Back to my story. My brother came rushing to me to see if I was ok, genuinely concerned. I was fine except the grass stains my mom might kill me for and shattered ego. I picked my bike up and began walking it home. I remember crying and my brother came up to me and quietly said to me, “Get back on your bike. You’re ok you don’t have to walk it. You can still ride it.” After a little resilience and encouragement from him, I finally gave it a go (again) and what do you know… I was just fine and pedaled my broken ego bike home.

I trusted and loved my brother enough to muster up the courage to get back on my bike. I was hurt by my own lack of depth perception, fearful from a previous experience getting hurt on my bike... it wasn't the bike that hurt me... but I was ten and dude was cute, whatever.... Just wait for it…

In Mark 5:36 Jesus pretty much says the same thing my brother reassured me of… He says ““It’s all right. Don’t be afraid; just believe.” 

Scripture tells us (and I BELIEVE) the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8) So back when David was running to Gath and writing his psalms, He mentioned that “The Lord is near the broken hearted” (Psalm 34:18) So if the Lord was near the broken hearted back then and He is the same today as He was yesterday.. then wouldn’t that mean that today and even tomorrow the Lord will be near the broken hearted? YES!

I promise I’m going somewhere with this, just follow me…

To be in love, to fall in love is to be vulnerable. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability… I know that if I’m going to fall into someone’s arms, first it’s gonna require some courage to fall and then it’s gonna involve some trust that they will catch me.  

When you find someone you can put confidence in despite being susceptible to physical or emotional harm you’ve shown the ability to do something that is frightening with one you are fond of. In other words…When you find someone you can trust to be vulnerable around you’ve displayed courage and love.

So when I hear God telling me, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time”…. it takes me to a place of vulnerability. It’s a scary place but accompany that with Mark 5:36 and it’s not so scary. 

It’s like I can hear God just saying, “It’s alright, Janet. Don’t be afraid of love. Love didn’t hurt you. I know it’s scary but just believe… and even if you do get hurt by someone you love, I’m near. I’m right beside you through it all. So be courageous and love again.”

I’ve spent all day dissecting this in my mind and well, this is the best I can do as far as articulating it. Just trucking along on this journey of becoming myself and listening to the voice of God… 

xo

Becoming Myself: You Know Me

“You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, You see it all. You hung the stars and You move the sea and still You know me. And nothing is hidden from Your sight wherever I go, You find me. And You know every detail of my life And You are God and You don't miss a thing”

I find my heart and mind flooded today with a desire to bleed them out.  Hard to answer questions that are helping me to become myself. 

“Do my needs matter? Am I valuable? Will I be taken care of? Protected? Nurtured? When I need it? Or when it’s more convenient? Or never? Because not getting enough feels the same as rejection.”

Tough stuff. I have began asking these questions and taking into consideration their answers for all relationships surrounding me. Whether it’s a family member, a friend or potential lover…. the same questions apply to each relationship in their own unique way. When I begin to answer these questions I must be brutally honest with myself. And that’s exactly where I am right now. I’m evolving. I’m growing. I’m soon to be  facing reality of the answers to such difficult questions, as using discernment with the impending steps upon not only answering but accepting the answers and every action that follows.

I’m calmed as I begin to pray out.. “Jesus come into the unsatisfied places of my heart as I  proclaim the truth that in Christ I have enough. I have all I need. I declare oh God, that my soul is satisfied in You. I don’t have to fear never getting enough anymore. I don’t have to arrange for my own provision, protection or comfort. I already have more than enough and I always will.” 

I’ve kept my feet on the ground,
    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,
    my soul is a baby content.

Psalm 131:2 (MSG)

The psalmist draws a beautiful picture of the perfect contentment and confidence he enjoys in God. My heart is so full. The answers, the acceptance, and the actions to the questions I ponder on will all come in due time and the Lord will be by my side as I journey through them… but in the meantime, my soul is a baby content.