My Kind of Love

Cause when you given up

When no matter what you do, it's never good enough

When you never thought that it could ever get this tough

That's when you feel my kind of love

It’s like I had a history of killing myself and he had a habit of dying. To be told that after one of the most amazing, emotionally captivating, and fulfilling nights of your life, in the season of heartache, he felt “empty” was comparable to an appendage falling off from frostbite. My body went cold, my heart black and calloused so hard it felt like stone. 
The only sensible response was to smile, wish him well, and sever all communication and walk away with my head held high showing no weakness in the face of my adversary. Like times before it was so easy to block from social media but this time, was so different. Social media wasn’t enough. It wasn’t just me I was concerned for anymore, it was him too. He was “empty” after a night I had never felt more full. How could it be? And then upon blocking and deleting his number from my phone, as to not reach out or be reached, I realized I was alone. You see I had never learned his number, only stored it in my phone… you’d think after 7 months I’d know the shape of calling home. But I didn’t.

I am still learning from it. I’ve especially learned it’s okay to feed my emotions. Cry, scream, eat cookie dough, listen to sad songs… BUT never to feed my emotions more than my faith. God has really been my refuge through this heartbreak. Pray, read, talk, walk, dancing with Jesus everyday has been a life I live. And still everyday to walk to the cross, carrying this burden, this aching heart and asking the Lord to yet again take it, has been my biggest task. I find myself crying in His presence everyday asking forgiveness because somewhere along the way I picked the burden back up and tried to carry it again, getting crushed under the unknown, the what if’s and the why’s and the I hope’s and I want’s… and every day going back and laying it down at the feet of my Savior.
I find myself reciting prayers of blessing for him and his family, his church, his coworkers and his friends. I know it’s what the Lord wants me to do and by doing that I release him, piece by piece. 
I ask God daily, “What can I learn from this? What do you want to teach me today from this?” I’m still sifting through emotions. Moving on is a process, which I’m in the midst of. One day I know I’ll be on a date with a wonderful man and none of this will plague me anymore, in due time of course, however what I learn from this will last forever.