Gravity

I’m laying in my bed thinking about how I don’t write anymore… I miss it. I certainly have a lot to say yet find myself bottling up thoughts and releasing them to sweet sleep and time. So, tonight… I think I’m just going to write about what I’m thinking… and tonight i’m thinking about my favorite song because I’ve been listening to it all night and suddenly the way I’ve listened to it has changed.

Gravity.

by Sara Bareilles. 

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 

'till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love 

And not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. 

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while 

And all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see 

That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down,

You're keeping me down

Something always brings me back to you, 

It never takes too long.

So Sara wrote this song about one of her first heartbreaks. It’s a beautiful song, you should youtube it. Gravity is defined  as the force that attracts a body toward the center or the earth, or toward any physical body having mass. Something Newton made a big deal over back in the 1600s. 400 years later I’m rediscovering Gravity.

I used to identify this song with an eating disorder and not love. Or maybe it was love, love of an eating disorder.. my addiction… but then again can’t love be an addiction? I don’t think addictions always have to refer to substance abuse or something tangible like alcohol, sex, or money or a discarnate eating disorder… For many it does, but for others I think love can be an addiction. Maybe it’s the emotion love brings. A need to be accepted, adored or desired. This song tonight didn’t make me think of bulimia or anorexia but instead of a person who knows exactly what they are getting into, knows they are going to lose everything in the end and yet, does it again and again. I really believe you can be addicted to the way another person makes you feel, even if it keeps ending badly or especially if it it keeps ending badly. It made me think of someone who acknowledges their dependency yet isn't wiling to let the security of it (or him or her) go.

I go back and analyze the song more and realize that person, the “gravity” doesn't see how they're making you fall deeper for them by merely being themselves or whatever your “gravity may be” … then I noticed the line ‘you loved me because i’m fragile….. but you touch me for a little while..” loved is past tense and touch is present… how tragic it is to be pulled into such turmoil because of a force (gravity) that we seem to have no defense against… gravity… .

28.11

...And she let it fly, that gorgeous blackbird of a love she had been keeping in a cage. 

Becoming Myself: I Still Believe

“Your blood mends the broken heart right now. Your blood compels me to forgive right now. Your blood transforms my mind right now. Your blood brings the dead to life right now. I still believe You’re the same yesterday, today and forever… and I still believe your blood is sufficient for me.”

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about love and courage. I keep hearing “Have enough courage to trust love one more time.” Easy to say but hard to do. I wanna break that down “Planet Janet” style because well I’ve been tearing it up all day in my mind and I have quite a bit to say about it. 

First I want to define a few words… Formal (1) & Planet Janet (2) style.

Courage:

1.the ability to do something that frightens one

2. strength in the face of fear, pain or grief 

Trust:

1. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

2. confidence placed in a person by another

Love: 

1. an intense feeling of deep affection

2. God. 

Vulnerable:

1. Susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

2. The scariest feeling in the world

Ok now that that’s out of the way… I can jump right into it.

Love does not hurt you. People hurt you. Things hurt you. Love does not hurt you. However when we’ve been hurt in love we tend to blame the act of love. When we’ve put blame on something we tend to be more cautious of it because well, what we have placed blame on (love in this instance) hurt us in some way and we don’t want to feel that hurt again. It becomes something we avoid. And if we choose to ever experience it again it takes an enormous amount of courage. And with courage comes trust. Really can’t imagine getting up and trying again when trust isn’t involved. You don’t want to be foolish when using courage so you find something (or someone) to place trust in, confidence they will not lead you back to that place of hurt.

I was 10 years old (this is probably one of my favorite childhood memories) and I was riding my bike when I saw my big brother and his uber cute friend from a distance. I wanted to be cool in front of him and his friend and so I started pedaling real fast to catch up to them… what I didn’t see was that small ditch that landed me doing a flip over my handlebars. Rewind 5 years before, I had a really bad bike wreck that landed me in the hospital with a shattered patella, elbow and busted chin. Lots of blood and stitches later you can see I somehow mustered up courage to ride again. Back to my story. My brother came rushing to me to see if I was ok, genuinely concerned. I was fine except the grass stains my mom might kill me for and shattered ego. I picked my bike up and began walking it home. I remember crying and my brother came up to me and quietly said to me, “Get back on your bike. You’re ok you don’t have to walk it. You can still ride it.” After a little resilience and encouragement from him, I finally gave it a go (again) and what do you know… I was just fine and pedaled my broken ego bike home.

I trusted and loved my brother enough to muster up the courage to get back on my bike. I was hurt by my own lack of depth perception, fearful from a previous experience getting hurt on my bike... it wasn't the bike that hurt me... but I was ten and dude was cute, whatever.... Just wait for it…

In Mark 5:36 Jesus pretty much says the same thing my brother reassured me of… He says ““It’s all right. Don’t be afraid; just believe.” 

Scripture tells us (and I BELIEVE) the Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8) So back when David was running to Gath and writing his psalms, He mentioned that “The Lord is near the broken hearted” (Psalm 34:18) So if the Lord was near the broken hearted back then and He is the same today as He was yesterday.. then wouldn’t that mean that today and even tomorrow the Lord will be near the broken hearted? YES!

I promise I’m going somewhere with this, just follow me…

To be in love, to fall in love is to be vulnerable. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability… I know that if I’m going to fall into someone’s arms, first it’s gonna require some courage to fall and then it’s gonna involve some trust that they will catch me.  

When you find someone you can put confidence in despite being susceptible to physical or emotional harm you’ve shown the ability to do something that is frightening with one you are fond of. In other words…When you find someone you can trust to be vulnerable around you’ve displayed courage and love.

So when I hear God telling me, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time”…. it takes me to a place of vulnerability. It’s a scary place but accompany that with Mark 5:36 and it’s not so scary. 

It’s like I can hear God just saying, “It’s alright, Janet. Don’t be afraid of love. Love didn’t hurt you. I know it’s scary but just believe… and even if you do get hurt by someone you love, I’m near. I’m right beside you through it all. So be courageous and love again.”

I’ve spent all day dissecting this in my mind and well, this is the best I can do as far as articulating it. Just trucking along on this journey of becoming myself and listening to the voice of God… 

xo

Becoming Myself: You Know Me

“You know when I rise and when I fall. When I come or go, You see it all. You hung the stars and You move the sea and still You know me. And nothing is hidden from Your sight wherever I go, You find me. And You know every detail of my life And You are God and You don't miss a thing”

I find my heart and mind flooded today with a desire to bleed them out.  Hard to answer questions that are helping me to become myself. 

“Do my needs matter? Am I valuable? Will I be taken care of? Protected? Nurtured? When I need it? Or when it’s more convenient? Or never? Because not getting enough feels the same as rejection.”

Tough stuff. I have began asking these questions and taking into consideration their answers for all relationships surrounding me. Whether it’s a family member, a friend or potential lover…. the same questions apply to each relationship in their own unique way. When I begin to answer these questions I must be brutally honest with myself. And that’s exactly where I am right now. I’m evolving. I’m growing. I’m soon to be  facing reality of the answers to such difficult questions, as using discernment with the impending steps upon not only answering but accepting the answers and every action that follows.

I’m calmed as I begin to pray out.. “Jesus come into the unsatisfied places of my heart as I  proclaim the truth that in Christ I have enough. I have all I need. I declare oh God, that my soul is satisfied in You. I don’t have to fear never getting enough anymore. I don’t have to arrange for my own provision, protection or comfort. I already have more than enough and I always will.” 

I’ve kept my feet on the ground,
    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,
    my soul is a baby content.

Psalm 131:2 (MSG)

The psalmist draws a beautiful picture of the perfect contentment and confidence he enjoys in God. My heart is so full. The answers, the acceptance, and the actions to the questions I ponder on will all come in due time and the Lord will be by my side as I journey through them… but in the meantime, my soul is a baby content.

Dear Future Husband

“Imposters have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow but I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone . So I stand, handing out torches, speaking words that are lamps to their feet til' the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one and the fire in me is complete…So i’m holding my heart out for you"

 I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Though we haven't been established, my heart knows you well. I hear you’re coming soon. I must admit, I’m pretty excited. I’ve been preparing a long time for this… but there are some things I think you should know. First, I love you. You’re my lobster. I’ve loved you. This is forever. I’ve been praying for you, possibly praying you into existence… ok maybe not into existence but into that divine appointment that brought us to where we are now. 

I’ve been very diligent in taking care of myself for you. I keep my heart pure by abstaining from anything that may make me unclean and anything that doesn’t honor God. I know you’ll appreciate that because you’ve done the same for me. I’m no longer kissing frogs. In fact, I’m not kissing at all. I vowed to save that for you on our wedding day. I want you to unveil me and there be no traces of anyone else. Simply pure. So I pray daily that if there be anything that stands between God and myself, if there be anything that shrouds His glory, if there be anything that will weaken my sword in battle, that He purge it, slay it, utterly destroy it… I pray the same for you too. Your walk with God is so important to me because well, you’re going to be leading me and our children. We need a strong leader, that’s you. I’ll be right by your side though. Always. 

I’ve been running a lot and nourishing my body, gotta stay healthy so we can enjoy the rest of our lives together. I know you’ve been taking care of your temple too. I want you to know I appreciate that. I always want to be aesthetically appeasing in your eyes and be the best me I can be not only for you, for me and our family. I vow to be that grandmother chasing our grandkids because I made my health a priority in my youth. I know you’ll understand because you have that same desire. I can’t wait to cook some of delicious meals for you and our family! I’ve gotten really good at it! Never thought I would enjoy cooking so much!

School has been hard but I’ve managed to make really good grades and keep my GPA up. I keep reciting Philippians 4:13. I’m sure if you were here with me now you would tell me the same thing Paul did. 

I really should get back to my school work now, speaking of…. but I just wanted to take a minute to let you know you were on my mind. Thank you for your prayers today. I really love knowing that you’re thinking of me too and I look forward to the day that you and I are praying for one another, together. 

Love Always,

Janet

Serendipity

Upon your soul is the instilled virtue of her spirit

A warm soothing place where her truest beauty chose to rest

A delightful find she was to you in every way, every hour of every day

Where winter was welcomed because of the warmth in her smile

How her eyes are mirrored after halos worn of heavenly beings

and you found it difficult to muse words to her unique style

Your thoughts are rendered helpless when it comes to her heart

How she reaches out to children who lives are torn apart

How she stands in the gap where there is little hope for others

As she still finds the right amount of time to be a wonderful friend and mother

This beautiful creature is definitly one of a kind...

Beautiful heart, soul, & mind.

"I haven't planned to meet you for once... nor miss you for ever." 

In Awe of You

"What do you do when you're lost for words? They all fall short, so I just stand in awe, stand in awe of You Jesus."

Only a week ago I was so excited to share with you all that I was going back to school (again) only to have that excitement ripped violently from me Monday afternoon upon checking my mail. "Unfortunately you are not eligible for federal aid..."

My heart sank. 

I began praising God immediately though because in that moment I knew He was near. (Psalm 34:18) I claimed it as delay not denial and tried to keep my head up and hopes high that this was all part of God's plan for me as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, folded the letter back up, packed up the kids and we headed to the park to play.

While at the park I received a text message from a friend who wishes to stay anonymous so we will call this friend J. I told my friend of the terrible news and J could sense how hurt I was, despite trying not to be discouraged they could tell my heart was broken. 

After the park I went and met up with my friend Olivia whom i poured my heart out to about the letter I received. I admitted to her that I felt like I was constantly being thrown into the pit of failure because every time i attempted something great for my family I got knocked down. My education is very important to me not only so I can have a career and make good money... it's so much more than that. It's so I can provide better for my family, yes but mostly I want to set an example for them and break the curse of poverty & inferiority that has been haunting past generations. I have told the devil that it was over and apparently he didn't like that. 

I felt like I had failed my children. Doubt tried to creep in but I kept claiming delay and declared I would start school and finish school and have my degree and my children would see me do this and believe in themselves and their abilities because of it. I was determined. I am determined. 

So after being encouraged from her and praying and covering myself in the armor of God to fight this battle I went home. I reopened the letter, and gave myself another pep talk. I went online & dropped 2 of my classes thinking maybe if I just take the two classes this fall that I really need then maybe I can find a way to pay out of pocket. Well, it dropped it but I don't know many single moms that have $1122 laying around, plus I had to have it in less than a week or I would be forced to withdrawal from school. 

J not trying to be nosy but rather concerned text me and asked how much my tuition was. Hesitantly I told them knowing they are in relationship with Christ and I could count on them to pray about it. 

Wednesday morning.

By this time I had given up. I told only very few people what had happened and they could all see the hurt I was dealing with as I began mentally preparing to answer my peers question "How's school going" with a sad explanation that it was in fact not going at all. 

I was in the shower thinking about time and began cry out to The Lord, "Why not now Lord!? You specifically told me on June 09th it was time to step out of my boat and walk on water. So I did. I trusted you God. Now I need you to show up. I need a miracle. What am I supposed to do?" And I just cried my eyes out in desperation. 

Wednesday afternoon.

In my hands, an envelope. J said it was a story I needed to read. I opened it, confused because it wasn't a story at all. More like a manual... I flip through the pages and find another envelope. I opened that envelope to find another envelope. I giggled a little not understanding but I began opening that envelope and a nickel fell out. Inside was a folded up letter. I opened it and my jaw dropped as cash fell from inside the letter. 

"I used to work for a company.... Haven't worked there since 1999. My secretary gets a call last week asking for my mailing address (no idea why). I get the mail Monday and I have a check from them for $1124.05. Had no idea what it is for it just shows up with no reason, just a check.... Again, I have not worked for them in 15 years. Fast forward to about 10 hours later (Monday night) when you are talking about your school & I asked how much it was and you told me. This check was only 2.05$ more than what you needed.... I knew what I had to do. You are supposed to go to school this fall and I am supposed to help. I am absolutely convicted and this is what I'm supposed to do, it's a gift not a loan."

Attached to the letter was a photocopy of the check as to 'prove' this wasn't just a nice way to give me money to help me out of pity but a work of God. A miracle. 

J asked to remain anonymous because they want none of the glory but all glory to be to God, but has given me permission to share the story.

I pray that in sharing this story, it has restored some kind of faith, some kind of hope, some kind of determination into whoever is reading it. God loves His children. We are His babies. He loves me and He loves you. Please don't ever doubt His goodness, please don't allow delay to become denial because of doubt. The devil would love nothing more than to tear you down and get you out of God's will. Put on your armor and battle, you mighty warrior. 

"I'll sing my way through every storm, I'll worship forever. You are worthy God, forever." 

A love letter to the boy who has and will always have my heart

Six years ago, you were but a twinkle in Daddy’s eye, Landon. We saw that twinkle, but we didn’t yet know it was a baby. Our wildest dreams were about to come true. Amazingly, they were dreams we didn’t even realize we were dreaming. A few weeks before Christmas, I discovered that you were growing inside of me. Wow, what a beautiful surprise that was! I was so full of joy at the news that we were being given another baby. And I was scared, too. I knew how to take care of, how to love and how to be a mother to your sister. But how do you raise a boy? You began to grow and grow inside of me, sweet son, yet I didn’t yet realize that it was not what I had that mattered. It was what you had. Your sister was so excited to learn that she would be getting a new little baby sibling. We announced our joyful news with pride to anyone who would listen. Chloe was going to be a big sister. I would be a mama again. As you grew bigger, I loved to feel you tumble in my belly. I loved you already. But I had no idea, just no idea at all, how that love was going to manifest itself by the time you were in my arms as a perfect little baby. I knew I loved you then, baby boy. Yet I had no idea I would love you like this. Love you so much it hurts. My heart was feeling different, although I couldn’t exactly say why. You were another baby, a sweet boy, and I knew what this would feel like. After all, I already had the amazing gift of a little girl. I knew what to expect and was so thankful. Oh, but Landon, my expectations were wrong. You came out from your dark, soft cocoon and you fit perfectly in my arms. But there was more. I thought I saw something in your hands, though I couldn’t make it clearly out. Your fresh, damp butterfly wings beat against my cheek as I held you close. When you emerged, Landon, you changed me. All at once, without warning, I was being reborn. But I didn’t quite understand it at first. It was something I never imagined happening, this rebirth. Yes, you have been a special part of our family since the very beginning, my baby. A piece of the puzzle we never dreamed we were even missing. Suddenly, your love flooded over me. I realized the change you were bringing to my life. As I started to know you as my son, I became adrift in an ocean of joy. At once, I held your sister closer than I ever had. I vowed to see with clarity the amazing, priceless, fleeting gift that family is. Suddenly, the exhaustion, the chaos, the sleepless nights… all of the things I had been worried about before you were born disappeared into the distance. All I notice is you, your love and the way you have changed our family so beautifully. I never knew there was such a deeper level to my life as a mother to two children that I was missing out on. Until you. In your very short 6 years, you have taught me more about life and love than I can explain to you in this letter. I can’t explain it, because I don’t completely comprehend it. One thing I know, though. Finally I understand, sweet Landon, because your love has helped me to see. Becoming a mother again, being the vessel that helped to create you, didn’t have anything to do with me or what I had. I know now that it has always been all about you. You possessed all the love and peace that each of us in our family would need as we added a second child. All we needed to do was meet you, hold you, breathe you in deeply. As I tuck you into bed , kiss your soft skin and say our prayers tonight, your warmth helps me realize what it was that has been in your tiny hand. It was my heart. And it still is. You hold my heart in your hand, sweet baby boy. And, although I didn’t know it fully until now, you always have. How I survived as long as I did without you, Landon, I am sure I will never understand. I simply long for you to understand what a special part of our family you have always been. An integral, vital, eternally important part.... I love you sweet baby Landon Thatcher.

Happy birthday son. xo

July 27th, 2008 right after he was born, Chloe was the first to hold him! 

Weeds.

As I was mowing my lawn this morning I came across a dandelion. Just one single dandelion. As typical as a young lady in your summer romance novel, my first thought was to pick it.... and blow. Of course upon blowing, making a wish and watching that wish fly through the sky carrying with it my desires, heavy with hopeless aspirations in hopes of coming true. Then it happened.

Why wish (send my desires flying) on a flower, a weed, that loses life as soon as it disconnects from earth, when I can instead PRAY about those desires to the King that planted them in my heart that lives forever?

Where are you placing your hope? To whom or what do you send your desires flying with? 

7 “But now, Lord, what do I look for?
    My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"The dandelion will grow anywhere, except where eradicated. One may find the Lord anywhere, except where people have excluded Him."

Passenger

One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.