Savage Love

I’m not mad because you don’t want me.

I’m mad because sometimes you act like you do & other days you act like I’m nothing. 

You hold me close just long enough to keep me hopeful.

Then you disappear like I never mattered.

It’s the inconsistency that hurts the most.

The way you keep me dangling between dreams & reality,

Like my heart is some kind of game.

If you don’t want me, that’s fine.

I can accept that. I can heal from that.

But don’t pretend.

Don’t play with my emotions like they’re disposable.

One moment, you’re everything I hope for & the next, you’re a stranger who barely acknowledges my presence.

It confuses me. It breaks me.

It teaches me to stop believing in your warmest moments,

Because your coldest ones always follow.

I deserve clarity, not confusion.

I deserve consistency, not chaos.

So no… I’m not mad that you don’t love me.

I’m mad that you made me believe you did, 

Only to tear that belief apart piece by piece.

If you’re going to walk away

Then please walk away completely.

Don’t hold onto me….

When it’s only convenient to you.

*Savage Love (cover)- Etienne 🎶*

Another Little Hole

 The holidays have a way of magnifying what's missing. Everyone talks about gratitude and togetherness, but when you're grieving, the day feels split in two… the world's version of Thanksgiving, and your own quiet version where someone you love is supposed to be here but isn't. 

You move through the motions, but underneath every conversation and every clinking glass is a heaviness you can't explain out loud the way the table can feel so full and so empty at the same time. The way you wish loss could at least pause for the holidays. But it doesnt soften just because the world wants you to be cheerful.

If anything, it sharpens. You notice the absence in the things they loved, in the traditions you used to share, in the moments where you instinctively look for them, until the ache becomes its own kind of presence, lingering in the laughter, the silence, the spaces where their voice should be. And you're left trying to honor both the love that remains and the hurt that refuses to fade. 

* Another Little Hole- Aqualung 🎶*

Sparks

 

I just want my spark back. The version of me who laughed without forcing it, who found beauty in small things, who felt light instead of weighed down.

I miss her - the me before everything changed… The me who didn't have to measure joy against guilt, who didn't feel the ache humming beneath every quiet moment. 

I keep waiting for that version of me to come back, but she feels further away each day. 

That's the cruel truth about grief… it doesn't just take the person you love, it takes parts of you, too. The pieces that only existed in their presence, the confidence, the ease, the simple sense of being whole. You move through the world a little dimmer, trying to spark against a life that doesn’t ignite the same way anymore. 

…And sometimes, the effort alone feels like another loss.

* Sparks- Coldplay 🎶*

‘tis the damn season

I had a thousand chances to tell you.

When you sat beside me, talking about everything and nothing.

When you smiled at me like I mattered.

When I memorized the sound of your voice because I knew I'd never hear it the same way again.

But I stayed quiet.

Because what do you say

when your heart knows something your head won't accept?

I wanted to scream,

"I feel something you don't.

And it hurts more than I can explain."

But I bit my tongue.

I pretended I was okay being just someone in your life, when all I ever wanted was to be the one.

It's not that I was scared of rejection.

I was scared of ruining what little I had with you.

So I chose silence.

Because silence doesn't leave scars, words do.

And maybe you'll never know.

Maybe that's how this was meant to end, me loving you quietly, while you never even noticed.

* ‘tis The Damn Season- Taylor Swift 🎶*

Malibu Nights

Silence doesn’t read as space… instead it evokes  memories of abandonment. 

She woke slowly, the soft light spilling into the room. Just as she opened her eyes, a familiar voice echoed behind her-gentle, almost a whisper… 

"Why do you still carry me in your mornings?"

She paused, letting the question settle before answering quietly,

 “Because love doesn't care about clocks or calendars…. It stays tangled in the space between night and morning, in the fragile silence before the world wakes.

…It's not about when or how it happened-just that it never left. Every day, I wake with the ache of missing you, carrying a quiet longing that no time can heal, only deepen."

* Malibu Nights- Lany 🎶*

In the kitchen

 Some nights feel like punishment.

The world sleeps, but my heart won't stop dragging me back to you.

I stare at the ceiling, tears finding their way without permission, while my mind keeps replaying stories that never even had a chance to be written.

Was it time that betrayed us?

Or were we always meant to be a memory, a lesson dressed as almost-love?

I wonder if in another life, our paths would have collided without resistance, no distance, no silence, no excuses.

But here, in this life, I'm left with heavy eyes, a restless heart, and the ache of everything that could have been.

I keep asking the night for answers, but it only throws back my own echoes.

Maybe silence is its way of reminding me that you were never mine to begin with.

Still, every shadow on my wall

reminds me of the spaces you never filled.

Every sigh I release feels like a prayer you'll never hear.

People say time heals but time only teaches me how to hide the scars.

It never erases the places where you once lived inside me.

…And so I stay awake, between reality and memory, holding onto the ghost of a love that never found its way home.

* In the Kitchen- Reneé Rapp 🎶*